In one of our Family Constellation Repatternings, called Giving and Taking Repatterning, an open ended question invites you to consider “Do you give more than you receive or receive more than you give?” By far, in my practice the majority of people are professional “Givers” with an inability to say NO as a root cause. Saying ‘NO’ when you KNOW that you are already maxed out, or it is not something you are interested in, or that your own goals are more important to your priority use of time can take years of personal growth and insight awareness. Sometimes it takes a health debilitating illness, physical injury, or financial loss before we get to that point of healing or it is the culmination of inner work, and daily spiritual practice that gives you the insight to move on. One way or another, you one day start noticing how you cautiously say “no” and let the person know this is the new you, or you confidently say “No” with no justification whatsoever. YEAH!!!! Acknowledge yourself and beware of the next steps to come.
What I have noticed lately is the void people encounter once they have mastered saying “NO”. The next phase of development is to consciously say YES to what you truly want to do with your time and your life. The transition from saying No to others and YES to yourself can be fraught with procrastination, a mild feeling of guilt that you should be doing something else, or an immobilized feeling of depression that ‘you are not allowed’ or entitled to act on your “YES”s. It may be that others are also giving you a hard time and not being supportive. Why would they? It may be that they are used to the old you, a person they could count on you to say YES to where ever you were needed in their agenda. Sometimes we have made friends bonding over a particular healing issue – a first wives club, or members of a healing support group. Once you move on and no longer have time for commiseration of shared problems… they will think something is wrong if you stop showing up to feed the neediness in the relationship. Finally, you can expect to receive the equivalent of a PhD test as relationships that valued the old you who said yes to everything but yourself calls boundaries. They will resist your positive changes, make life impossible and attempt to make you feel that something is wrong with you. Don’t fall for it.
What is the answer? While you can’t change other people it is important to realize that it is your resonance with their having a problem with your positive changes that causes the problem. Once you stop resonating with their unsupportive reaction the problem either goes away or does not bother you. Our internal chatter will remind us that ‘well … if they don’t like me saying NO that is their problem’. Healing work at this time can help you to fully integrate the new pattern, stay strong in your emotional center and enjoy a new high energy state of being fully yourself.
Strengthen your own self-identity by setting some new personal goals for yourself and make a game plan for implementing them. Having actual things you need to do for yourself scheduled will make it easier to say no to others.
Take time for yourself each day to reflect on your relationship interactions and acknowledge yourself for the difficult conversations where you said “NO”. Make a resolve for situations that did not work out and how you will handle them differently next time. Notice how your relationships are changing. Who is showing up to support your goals? Who has stopped calling? Who challenged you and said the equivalent of “HOW DARE YOU CHANGE?” When you acknowledge yourself for your insights and awareness, your ability to say YES to you and your agenda will quickly become your new normal – a high energy state of inner freedom and joy.